Slowing Down

In unfavorable situations, I always remind myself, “There is something to be learned.” It’s quite cheesy, but always holds true. Or maybe that is just my brain’s coping mechanism. Regardless, it gets me through tough times so dammit I am sticking to it.

That is all to say, I have been having a rough go of it at my Arizona fieldwork rotation. Life outside of work is amazing, 10/10, no complaints. However, from 8am-4pm Monday through Friday, I am not as thrilled with life. There is a fine line as a student that we are expected to balance. We are told to take initative but not TOO much initiative because you don’t want your instructor to think you’re overstepping. Also, follow your instructor, even if they are doing things wrong because you’re a student and it is not your place to correct them. Oh and be sure to develop your own skills as a therapist but actually do exactly what your instructor wants you to do. Oy vey! I’ve always wanted to use that expression and that seemed like the right time.

So you can see where the frustration starts to settle in. I have been bounced back and forth with two different instructors with very different teaching styles. The instructor I have been with the last week has been ...challenging, to put it nicely. I will find myself standing in the corner of a patient’s room with my eyes closed, taking deep breaths and reminding myself, “I am learning.” Although sometimes my thoughts go more like, “Only one more day until it’s Wednesday which is halfway through the week and then it’ll be Thursday which is basically Friday and then it WILL be Friday which means it’s the weekend.” I don’t want to use this instructor’s real name so I will call her Susan. Don’t get me wrong, Susan has the very best intentions as a therapist. We are just very different people. She is dry. Like so dry. I find myself spending majority of the day wondering what her personal life is like because she shares zero information with me, despite spending 40 hours a week together. C’mon Susan I thought we could be friends or something but NOPE. Susan is NOT here to be pals! The biggest challenge I have had being with Susan is that she is very, very, very, slow-paced and very, very, very, very, thorough. Those two things aren’t necessarily bad except when you put them TOGETHER. Then it is bad. I have spent 30 minutes with Susan analyzing a patient’s medical history from 2007. I have also spent 45 minutes with Susan talking about pain levels. Did I mention the time we spent 25 minutes searching for a shower chair? The reason I emphasize minutes is because that is kind of how our job works. We work minute-to-minute. Productivity is a reflection of how well we are doing as a therapist. From day one, it has been stressed to us that “every minute counts!” You must learn how to work smarter not harder. Perhaps, that is just the mindset of the world and yeah it’s sad, but I suppose that is just how the world works. I didn’t make the rules here. I have had to learn how to multi-task in ways I didn’t even know were possible.

Except with Susan. There is never a rush or sense of urgency. Does this make my insides squeal? Yes. Every minute of every day. It hurts my insides to look at a clock when I am with her because it sends me into a panic. It goes against everything I have been taught. 10 minutes over on a session?! 10 minutes late to the next session?! An unaccounted for 30 minute chat with a nurse?! Ummm! Excuse me? You might be wondering how all of these minutes add up so quickly. Well, I will gladly provide you with an example. Instead of telling me, “Can you go get a pair of socks?” like a normal person, Susan will explain to me the history of socks , where they orginiated, the different fabrics available, and the purpose of them for our therapy session. Mind you, when she is saying all of this, she is also talking 2x slower than the average person for unknown reasons. It’s a weird sensation because her voice is oddly very calm and soothing but at the same time when you’re listening to her talk, you’re thinking, “HURRY THE FUCK UP!”

It takes a lot of patience. Like more patience than standing in line to get into my favorite bar on a Friday night and that’s a significant amount. I actually had visions of pulling each individual hair out of my head after my first week with her. How was I going to survive this slow-paced way of working all day every day? Well...as I mentioned previously, I don’t have much of a choice. It looks like I have to learn to slow down while ignoring the sirens going off in my head. So this past week, that is what I started doing. I threw away all of my notions about meeting productivity and living by the clock. I was embracing Susan’s way of life. And you know what’s sickening? ....I started to enjoy it. I think Susan is onto something here. It’s an odd but nice feeling not to be rushed. Not only at work, but outside of work too. One day this week, I got home 2 whole hours later than the other students with normal-paced instructors. The therapy gym was empty. It was kind of like a movie scene. I felt like the only person in the building until the friendly janitor rolled in with his trash can and said, “Hey Melissa how are you?” I got in my car and just stared at the clock. Those were unnecessary extra hours of my life (unpaid) that I just spent at work. I should be outraged! But instead I felt...calm? Unbothered? What? What was happening to me?

Although I would’ve preferred to do other things with those extra hours of my life, I can’t say that my life was ruined from it. Shocking, I know! I still went to the gym. I still bought a pint of ice cream that I didn’t need. I still watched an episode of New Girl. I still scrolled on Twitter laughing to myself. I still walked down the road to stare at the neighborhood cows. I did all of these things at my own, leisurely pace with no concern of time. Maybe this slowing down thing isn’t so bad after all. Everything will get done. It always does. It’s funny because after all of the time I’ve spent reading about mindfulness and meditation, it wasn’t until now that I truly understand what it means to slow down.

And I have Susan to thank for that.